Healing and long-term recovery following rape

After any shock or trauma, people need recovery time. It takes time to realise that the crisis did happen, and that life continues. We can draw inspiration from looking at how people rebuild their lives after the most terrible events – like being caught up in war, or losing their entire village in an earthquake. They do not give up but start rebuilding. We need to remember that human beings are naturally resilient and that healing and recovery are always possible, provided there are sufficient positive influences and supportive people. Here we look at some healing steps to support long-term recovery. What needs to happen to regain a solid sense of oneself, to support emotional well-being, and enjoy life once more.

 

The path to recovery is not identical. We recover from setbacks and life’s difficulties with unique solutions that we find in ourselves; and we do it at our own pace. One way in which people differ is in how much they want to talk about their experience. For some, perhaps more extrovert by nature, talking about what happened is a release; even if remembering what happened is difficult and unpleasant, the person gains more distance and relief from sharing what happened with a trusted listener. Such speaking out can lighten the sense of carrying a burden. For others, perhaps more naturally introvert, the last thing they may want to do is to talk about what happened when they were raped; their preferred way is to ‘go into hiding’, to isolate themselves and to keep away from others, for fear of being asked questions or of being ‘treated differently’. For the latter group in particular, the easing back into relating to friends, family, and work colleagues, can take time and great courage. Isolating oneself, even if desired, is rarely the best solution in the longer term. Learning to trust others again, following a frightening and abusive experience, also requires great understanding on the part of others. The recovery process is like getting over a physical injury or illness – peaceful conditions, kindness from others, a relaxed setting, and determination to recover all play a part in achieving full healing. The main thing to realise is that ‘getting over it’ happens over a period of time. For those with a difficult life history before the rape, the effects of the experience may take even longer to heal. 

 

While there is great variation in how people approach and manage their recovery, there are some general observations we can make, regarding various things that we have noticed have helped people, and this is what we write about in the following sections.

 

Finding the right support person (or persons) 

The most essential factor in recovery seems to be for the raped person to make a strong connection with a supportive ‘other’ (or others). There is a lot that the raped person can do on her own behalf, yet we are not designed to deal with major upsets in complete isolation. We need at least one person whom we can trust and not hold ourselves back from at all. If very lucky, we have good friends or family members to support us. Sometimes, however, we need to look outside our customary network, and seek the help of a therapist, counselor, or other professional to be a special support person, especially when the rapist has been a former friend or family member. 

 

Situations change, and much happens in the course of long-term recovery. Some people who were supportive at the start may appear less so as time passes. Others, on the other hand, may come across as more understanding after a few months than they were at the beginning. The best in later stages are those who do not bring up the subject of the rape constantly, nor do they act as if it never happened.

 

Supporting persons need strength and maturity if they are to be useful listeners and serve as a healing presence. They need to remain steady in the face of confused and chaotic thoughts that may arise, and not be phased by strong emotions and physical reactions that may be experienced by the person they are supporting. Supporters also need to be sensitive to feelings of shame. Shame reactions are likely to arise for any raped person, as a result of being exposed to events that felt disgusting, or through having to talk to others about private matters. Acknowledging shame as a normal human experience is central to recovery. (We have written a related paper on shame, available on the DIXI website). 

 

Some well-intended‘support’ is not helpful. Giving advice, especially if not asked for, can feel insensitive and patronising. Those offering support need to avoid statements such as, ‘There is no point in dwelling on the past’ or other comments that suggest that what the person is doing is somehow wrong, and that she ‘should change’: this is the last thing she needs to hear when she is already distressed. Anything that communicates the message ‘what you are doing is wrong’ is unhelpful. It implies that there is a ‘normal’ or ‘right’ way to recover, which is not the case: experience suggests that the raped person does it in her own way. She is the only one who knows what she really needs and wants for herself or from others, and when she is ready to receive it; or when she needs to take the next step. Of course, our capacity to ‘know what we need’ can itself be affected by undergoing a severe trauma such as rape: there are times when people are feeling so distressed or chaotic inside that they cannot access or put into words what they need. At these times, others need to care for them, allowing them space and an undemanding presence so that the person affected can come back to feeling in charge of her life again. 

 

Those of us who tend to be advice-givers, and some others with ‘do-gooding’ motives, need to hold back. Listening to, rather than asking questions of, the person who has been raped is usually the most helpful. 

Sometimes, for the raped person, the most useful contacts are with persons who have experienced a similar invasion of their bodies. She may gain a lot through hearing how others have felt and thought, and how they gradually recovered from the trauma and were able to rebuild their lives. Her own journey will be unique, but she may get inspiration, ideas, and confidence through listening to others who have undertaken a similar journey. 

For this reason DIXI has set up self-help groups that meet this need. 

 

Conversations with oneself 

How we talk to ourselves when entirely alone, such as when we are about to go to sleep or wake up, affects our attitude to life, our relationships, and our recovery. After a rape, people often need to learn to love themselves again. There are many ways to do this: self-help books and CDs offer many suggestions. Simple things may help. We know of those who have written lists of their strengths and accomplishments, stuck them on the wall and read them daily. Others, in an optimistic frame of mind, have written encouraging letters to themselves and got a friend to mail them back some months later if they became pessimistic in outlook. Establishing a daily routine can also help – making sure each day includes, perhaps, contact with a good friend, or exercising, or time for deep relaxation, or listening to favourite music – or all of these! 

 

The thoughts we have about ourselves are also linked to our feelings and to how our bodies are reacting to the intrusion and shock of rape. After a sexually abusive episode, it may take some while before we feel relaxed, free, trusting, and hopeful again. When the body has been invaded, the inner scars take time to heal, just as physical scars do. The raped person needs to be gentle and patient with herself, and to recognize that it is likely to take some months or even longer to gain a sense of inner balance again. 

 

When we are in a good place, feeling confident, successful, and enjoying life, we tend to have constructive thoughts and creative ideas as we face our present life and think about the future. Likewise, when we experience a setback, or have undergone a humiliating and upsetting experience that reduces our confidence and sense of self-worth, we are likely to find ourselves having negative thoughts about our selves and our lives. We may criticize ourselves, blame ourselves, or feel afraid or pessimistic or without energy. 

 

A common example of destructive thinking is when raped persons believe that they are ‘at fault’ in some way. They are not. The truth is that all intimate physical life and sexual expression needs to be on a mutual and equal basis between consenting adults. The act of rape by definition is coercive and illegal. A person whose body boundary has been invaded unilaterally can therefore relax in knowing it was NOT her ‘fault’. 

 

Looking Back 

Some people who have been raped may slow down their recovery by putting a lock on their experience: ‘I won’t think about it.’ This involves pushing feelings and thoughts out of their awareness. Others sometimes adopt a ‘brazen unaffected response’ that communicates a message like ‘So what, it was nothing much, I’ll forget about it in a week’. Attempts to repress or by-pass what happened can easily lead to longer-term difficulties and, of course, the avoidance takes mental energy in itself. If we try to hide something very large in a cupboard, it may take continued effort on our part to keep the door from opening, such is the pressure from whatever we are hiding. 

 

Others need to speak out and to revisit the trauma in detail in therapy, and need to remember as much as they can in detail; others recover by focusing on strong images of present possibility more than from going over the past. Again, no rule is right for everyone – we all have different needs for what supports us to heal after a terrible episode. It is important, therefore, for the raped person to listen to her own body and inner truth. This will enable her to distinguish what is needed and feels ‘right’ for her, from what does NOT feel right, even if it is presented in strong terms of recommendation or described as ‘normal’ (for instance, in ‘canned’ advice in a newspaper column). 

 

One particular danger after a rape is that the person can get stuck in the role of a ‘victim’. Other people’s shock and sympathy helps establish the idea that someone raped should feel like a victim – that is, feel sorry for herself, and regard what happened as unjust, unfair, and as very, very wounding. Of course, there is truth in this perception: rape is abusive and destructive. Yet there is need for balance. It is true that a rape is a serious violation of a person’s trust, a criminal act, a terrible shock, and all who care about the person wish that it had never happened to her (or to anyone else). So, yes, it WAS unfair, unfortunate, and a horrible experience, and natural reactions include feeling angry, frightened, depressed, and anxious. However, the chief question facing the raped person is not about what happened – it is about what the person is going to do about it now? 

We have seen some people appearing to stay with a victim outlook to the point of its becoming a near permanent state. The person in such a spiral can feel increasingly powerless – perhaps going down the route of medicating herself to help endure the pain. Those who seem to recover most fully are those who reject the victim role, or move beyond it as speedily as possible. They acknowledge and work through the trauma, and yet are also looking to the future. Often people need help to be able to make this shift of outlook in an effective way, such is the pull to look back ‘and feel sorry for oneself’ – which, of course, is also a natural and normal reaction. 

 

Other raped persons seem to slow their recovery by becoming obsessive in their behaviour. This may take many forms. The person may overdose on work, or try losing all sense of herself in sporting or some other external activity which she pursues in a manic way. Again, there needs to be balance – after all, interests that take a person away from just ruminating on their misfortune can often help recovery. But sometimes it can be an avoidance. 

 

Our view has come to be that adopting any fixed method of coping is ultimately self-defeating. True self-healing is a multi-stage process – it involves accepting what has happened, feeling its consequences fully, expressing any powerful emotions which come up, and then finding new sources of strength and good feeling. Such ‘working through’ can be part of a general maturing. The journey of self-development after a major setback such as a rape can often be productive in the long term – an investment in a fuller life generally. 

 

Dealing with unwanted memories 

For all of us, memories can arise from the past. Walking down a street we may notice a particular smell, sound, or sight (like the smell of something cooking), and a whole raft of associations come back to us – as if the past has been sleeping and has suddenly woken up. This is normal. 

 

However, sometimes returning memories are unwanted. People can have vivid ‘flashbacks’ – inserted scenes from times in the past – that interrupt the flow of present life. If we have been sexually or physically assaulted, associations to this can be powerful and disturbing. Unpleasant memories may arise as images, evoking shame, disgust, and fear; or they can be experienced as sensations with strong accompanying feelings in the body. ‘Spacing out’ is an immediate natural defence to overwhelming physical or psychological experiences. Such desensitization at the time of the rape can result in some ongoing lack of sensitivity, with parts of the body feeling numb, cold, or dead.The raped person may find she has an aversion to, for instance, having parts of her body touched; any restriction of movement, smelling aftershave, or even touching a certain fabric in clothes, can be unbearable. Such ‘revisiting’ may lead to wanting to withdraw or shrink, or to a fighting or desparate reaction. To someone who does not know what has happened, or does not understand what is entailed in the aftermath of trauma, such reactions may seem ‘irrational’, but they are not: they make perfect sense when one researches the raped person’s experience in its specific detail. Often the person is experiencing some of the feelings (like disgust or anger) she was unable to feel at the time of the rape. 

 

Sometimes people having powerful memories need to re-locate to a safe place where they are cared for, where they can be reassured that the event is over and they are no longer in danger. People sometimes need time and the presence of an empathic witness to integrate disturbing feelings and emotions. Experiencing strong reactions is often a sign of a healthy and necessary process, even if difficult to go through in the short term. Self-help groups may be places of sharing with others in similar situations. In general, working through strong aversive reactions may call for some specialist therapeutic help. 

 

Memories change and fade in time. Sometimes, in very relaxed conditions and breathing deeply, people can re-imagine what happened when they were raped, and import some differences – imagining stopping the rapist, chasing him away, or squashing him. Ways of helping to resolve left over feelings from the past may include expressing oneself through painting, dancing, singing, or creative writing. It is important to do things that make one feel well, successful, seen, heard, and cherished as a valuable and powerful person. 

 

Continued transformation 

We have emphasized that recovery from rape takes time and attention. In the long term, there are possibilities for the raped person to transform her experience into something positive. Thus, she may help set up a support or study group for others who have been raped, perhaps linking with DIXI, or in other ways find means of helping other raped persons with information or encouragement. Some have taken a counseling course in order to be able to assist others who have experienced rape and are themselves still recovering from it; others have written articles, or been inspired to write fiction or make films with a theme that derives from their own experience. The raped person may also take legal action against the person who raped her. 

 

Some recovering persons choose to campaign politically for society to take rape more seriously, for instance arguing the case for more information and understanding of the raped person’s experience; or asking searching questions about why so few rapes result in successful prosecutions of the rapist. Campaigning can be through writing for newspapers, or giving talks, or sending letters to government ministers and to relevant medical or legal professional committees. There is still too much secrecy and avoidance – particularly by men – of looking closely at rape and other acts of violence against women, their prevalence and their serious consequences. There is an educational need to counter stereotypes and misunderstandings surrounding rape, and to draw more attention to the human costs. Those who have been raped themselves understand most clearly what needs to be generally communicated to the public at large. 

 

Perhaps the biggest learning – for all of us and especially for those who have undergone a traumatic experience such as a rape – is that stressful events call for more supports in our lives. Contrary to how many of us have been brought up to think, there is nothing shameful, helpless, inadequate, or ‘weak’ in seeking extra supports for ourselves – things which strengthen us, make us feel better, help us to get through difficult times. To build a robust support network for ourselves is a creative act. What we find supportive and enabling differs from individual to individual, but the main thing is that we do not have to face personal distress alone – whatever we have been taught about self-reliance and inner strength. Very few people go through life without some period of suffering and difficulty. At such times, we need other people to reinforce our sense of ourselves as resilient survivors, capable of transforming our own lives and those of others. Seeking the help and encouragement we need will open doors and speed our recovery. Holding this strong and healing belief, each of us can contribute to our own and to others’ healing, and to establishing a better world.